Recovery: Learning to love myself, food, & eating treats!

     On Saturday,  I moved into my new apartment with some help from some professional movers and a whole lot of help from my sister.  Moving requires eating out or not eating.  Elizabeth and I picked eating out.  For me the is a big deal.  Why? Because what most of you don't know is that I avoided eating out for so long! I'd find reasons not to go out, find reasons to invite people to my apartment, travel with food, even if that food was a protein bar. Eating out became something I reserved for only one of my closest friends and even with my friend, I tried to make sure we were celebrating something (i.e. my half marathon).  There was a time when I didn't even do that. Why? I blamed my friend's work schedule and my training.  Partially true.  But deep down I didn't want to eat out.  I didn't want anyone else to see what I ate or to see how hard it is for me to eat or to choose something to eat.  While celebrating my half marathon at dinner, I had fun.  I didn&#

   The scale! It's either your best friend or your worst enemy.  Initially, when I first started losing weight, it was amazing.  I saw results constantly, I saw numbers I had never seen before.  Then the numbers quit moving and I was determined to make them move again. I won't mention numbers, but know that the number I wanted to see wasn't a healthy one.  The number I was at, was actually healthy.     The scale destroyed me, so I destroyed mine! I quite literally, took a hammer to it and shattered it! I've avoided any scales ever since, at the doctor's office I'll turn my back or if it isn't necessary that I get weighed I'll ask not to be.  But this evening, before I could turn around, before I thought it through, I looked! I saw a number and instantly hated myself. I saw a number and it made me want to instantly not eat and go workout.  I saw a number and I didn't care that I have to use modifications to workout, I didn't care that I have been

       I thought it was only fitting to start this blog, as I begin a new year.  I have spent part of this weekend celebrating my birthday.  I spent part of this weekend, eating cake, chicken and dumplings (my mom and sister made me special gluten and lactose free dumplings), macaroni and cheese (GF of course), and I ate it. There was a part of me that didn't want it.  Why? I look at my cake and I don't just see a cute cake that my  sister worked hard on.  I see carbs and sugar.  I see unhealthy and a big you're not suppose to eat that because it will make you fat! This is how my brain works.  This is why I struggle to eat.    What I didn't take a picture of were the two slices of cake that I ended up eating over the course of 24 hours or all the food I ended up eating.  I didn't workout today.  My body isn't 100% post accident yet.  I couldn't run like I wanted.  But I choose to enjoy my birthday. I chose to eat my speciality birthday cake.  I cho