Recovery: Learning to love myself, food, & eating treats!

As some of you know, I read Rachel Hollis's Girl, Wash Your Face.  The entire book is about overcoming the lies we tell ourselves.  Chapter 17, is entitled The Lie: I am defined by my weight, this chapter spoke more to my heart than I can properly put into words, but I'm going to do my very best.   Overall the line that I keep repeating to myself over and over after reading it is, "You need to be healthy.  You don't need to be thin." Something so simple, something so powerful, yet something that I have difficulty believing some days.  I define myself by my weight. Does everyone else? No. Should I? No.  But do I? Yes! I struggle with defining myself with my weight.  For so long I've been determined to be thin without considering the cost! The cost is far greater than I ever would have imagined! My mental health, the constant worry and fear, the stress, and even just losing my hair, and so much more.  I have a lot of hair so no one notice. I would leave gobs o

Between the holidays and being out of town, I haven't posted in a few weeks. Holidays: Thanksgiving dinner, I ate.  I hated not being able to work out like I have in years past, as I'm still recovering with my ankle.  I ate, I watched what I ate, (thanks to my gluten & lactose issues carbs were easily avoidable!).  I ate and I still ate healthy on Thanksgiving.  I did splurge and have chocolate covered peanuts my Aunt Barb made.  I enjoyed them when I ate them, as I haven't eaten them in a very long time, but there was still part of me that felt like I didn't deserve to eat them. When comparing this to last year, I worked out and ate, but I ate because I had worked out.  This year I ate without working out.  This year I had a dessert even if it wasn't pumpkin pie.  It was small and I regretted it, but I ate it.  I still ate. I enjoyed eating dinner with my cousins, sister, and niece at the "kid" table.  There were parts of it that I was able to e

Not every day will be perfect.  Not every week will be a good one. This week has been hard.  Some days I'm simply reminded that I'm not better.  That I still have a long ways to go.  Some times it's what and/or how someone says something that sends me spiraling a little backwards, other times it's how something fits, or just the thoughts that come with trying something on.  It's hard and this week has been the hardest one in awhile. But in the end, I'm still making progress.  Sometimes it's just seeing or knowing that I'm not better and crying because I know I'm not better.  Other times it's having a meal I wouldn't have had months ago.  Sometimes it's just that I'm eating again. I have restricted several foods.  Some of them because I have to! Gluten and lactose issues make certain foods impossible to eat without getting sick.  But other foods, I was told they are bad for me, I was told I shouldn't eat them. And I haven't

  Tonight, these words spoke to my heart.  Tonight, these words impacted me more than I could have ever imagined.  I love those moments when God speaks to us specifically through His Word.   Below I'll share some of what God shared with me and I hope it helps someone else as much as it has helped me.   How do you see yourself? What do you see? Do you see the lies of the Devil? Or do you see how God looks as you? Do you see beauty? Do you see God's creation? Or do you see Satan's view? Do you see God's truth? Or Satan's lies? Do you see the truth, that you are created by God, who doesn't make mistakes? Do you see someone who is gorgeous? Do you see someone who is made in the image of God? Or do you see the ugly lies that Satan wants you to believe?  It isn't about being "fat" or "skinny."  It isn't about a number on a scale.  It's about a smile on your face, it's about being happy, it's about your soul.  

For me this picture today has brought up so many thoughts, so many questions, so many emotions and I felt it only fitting to share here, since it's all part of my journey and the recovery process.   This picture was initially used as a progress photo, as a look how far I've come photo. Still true, still not the size of the girl on the left.  I look at the girl on the left and see someone who while she was fat, before anyone says anything, know that I was overweight.  I see someone who could eat dairy (without being sick) I miss regular ice cream, I miss being able to just enjoy food without stress, I miss enjoying treats without guilt! I miss all of that! I miss the smile. It's different. I wasn't happy with my appearance, I always felt like the fat kid and for a lot of my life I was. But it was different. But I also see me, I see someone who lost weight, I see someone who worked so hard, who is stronger than ever before in so many ways, who loves workin

Recovery isn't always easy.  Some days you go backwards, some days you don't make any progress, some days are hard.  Some days meltdowns happy.  But some times you can learn through the meltdowns.  Friday a friend gifted me with a gluten free donut.  I enjoyed it.  And knew that I had physical therapy later so I'd be able to run and burn most of those calories and I could eat it.  Still not the best mentality, but at least I ate it. That afternoon at therapy, I was told the Alter G was broken, which meant no running.  It broke my heart and I instantly felt guilty for eating the donut and guilted myself the rest of the session.  Before leaving I learned it was working again and I could run.  I did just that! And was able to increase the body weight I ran on.  About ten minutes in, it hurt.  I kept telling myself you have to run you ate a donut, keep running you ate a donut! I wouldn't let myself stop.  A minute or so later, I started walking with the intention of runn

Sometimes the people we are with or the the things we are part of aren't always good for us. I have finally decided that if I'm going to get better I have to breakup with one of the very things that has fed and continues to feed it. Today I'm breaking up with Beachbody! For some of you this will come as a surprise, for others it is a long timing coming and you are thankful! Why am I breaking up with Beachbody? For all the reasons.  Most importantly that I developed many of my bad thoughts through them.  I was told you can't eat certain foods, they are bad for you.  I listened and cut them out, and for the very first time in a long time, after slowly breaking away I'm enjoying a few of those foods again.  Other foods, not quite yet. For those of you who don't know, I got really sick back in the spring.  I was so sick, my blood sugar registered as low on a meter for hours! This was even after I ate and checked in the appropriate two hours later! It registered

Pictures can be my worst enemy.  I don't see myself like everyone else does.  Instead, I still see myself as fat.  I still myself at the person I was before I lost almost 50 pounds.  Even then, there are people who would tell you I wasn't fat.  But in reality I was overweight according to any height and weight chart you looked at.  I look at my pictures and see a fat face.  As my sister told me, "It's just a face! Your face isn't fat!" I think it is. I don't see the person who is wearing sizes that are 4 or 5 sizes smaller than 2 years ago.  Instead, I see a "fat" face.  I see someone who looks like she's gaining her weight back.  I don't think I actually am.  I can't do scales.  Last I did cheat and look at a scale I was only about 10 pounds heavier than the lowest weight I've had.  That's water weight & being weighed in the afternoon, and being fully clothed, with my running shoes on.  So I'll take it, well kind of (

Most people use vacation as a time to eat what they want, or to at least splurge a little bit.  Vacations also usually mean a lot of eating out! All of this is still a struggle for me.  I did give in and ate a fried Snickers at the fair.  I knew it'd hurt (all the gluten) but it was always my thing, it's always been my fair food.  And I knew I had walked around the fairgrounds and "could" eat it.  This, this thought is part of how I know I'm not there yet.  And I still felt guilty for eating it! It was delicious, but a part of me felt guilty and couldn't enjoy it.  I also ate a piece of fudge at Dollywood on Saturday. I told myself walking around is okay. Being active all week walking around made it okay.  I'm waiting on the day I don't have to justify a treat with exercise.  One day it will come.  Until then, I'll wait.   I had a week of many meals out.  I hate dining out.  I still do.  Between trying to eat healthy, having gluten and lactose i

I have been doing my absolute best to stay away from the scale and from my weight.  Normally at physical therapy I don't have to see my weight.  However, while getting ready to use one of the machines one of the techs let me see my weight.  They had no idea.  I saw it. In that moment I went backwards.  In that moment, I panicked.  In that moment, I wanted to cry because it isn't the number I'm used to.  It's more than I'm used to seeing.  Am I overweight? No! But I hate the number I see.  That evening it was difficult to eat.  This weekend it's been difficult to eat. Why? Because I saw my weight and I don't want that number to be the same.  It even led me to find a way to look at the scale to see what it said.  It was a different number that at therapy.  It was lower.  My attitude/mood should not depend on my weight.  That's why I broke up with the scale.  That's why I told myself I wouldn't go back to it.  Instead, I saw my weight, still wasn

With weight loss, with working out, with gaining muscle, it all comes with changes  These changes are seen by everyone around you.  Yet do you see them when you look in the mirror? Can you see that you're smaller? Can you see that you've gained muscle? Can you see that some fat is gone? Or do you still see the old self? Does what you see in the mirror reflect how others see you? No matter my size, I've always seen myself as larger than what others saw me.  I've always seen myself as bigger, fatter, etc. than everyone else.  Even once I lost almost 50 pounds I still see myself as bigger than anyone else sees me.  I still see myself as the "fat kid."  I still myself as needing to lose a few pounds.  I look in the mirror and hate the reflection! For me it isn't good enough.  For me I don't see all the changes for the better.  Instead I see a body that still has fat that needs to be gone.  I see someone who still isn't toned enough, who needs to be a

I continually remind myself that this is a journey.  Any journey will be full of ups and downs.  I always knew this wouldn't be easy.  But if I'm being honest, I'll admit that I didn't realize just how hard some of the moments would be.   Overall, I've done my best not to skip any meals and eat enough.  But I have to make sure I'm not eating too much either.  I have continued my healthy eating but making sure I eat enough.  For the most part I know what I can and can't eat so I don't look at nutrition facts too closely unless it's a new food or for a new recipe.  If anything, I'll try to just look at the ingredient list to make sure it's safe for me.  However, no matter how hard I try looking at the nutrition facts happens sometimes.  I had found a healthy snack option to use instead of my usual. I misunderstood the serving size and had been eating too much.  Before everyone panics, know that it was a lot of carbs.  I mean way way  more th

I don't want everyone to think I only have bad days.  Some times I have good ones, or at the very least better ones.  Tonight I ate out at dinner and I ate but I also made healthy choices.  It's about learning how to balance.  I had eaten healthy all day and even at dinner I make healthy choices but slightly splurged just a little.  I ate.  Today for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed all of my meals and had proper snacks.  It isn't perfect and I've slightly struggled even today.  But it's been amazing.  Progress for me is having more than I'd normally eat or telling myself you need a box and instead choosing to "clean my plate."  Sans the fight from my meat I did just that!! I am thankful for friends who have been extremely supportive, remind me that they're behind me, remind me that I'm making healthier choices than most, and that it's okay to eat.  Does it mean I'll eat like I did today every day, no. But it's okay to enj

No one said recovering from an eating disorder would be easy.  As I recover, I continue to see things and notice things that remind me that I am not better.  That I had gotten to such a deep/dark point with food and eating (not eating).  I catch myself thinking about what I eating, making sure it's clean and healthy.  That isn't the "bad" part.  That's still okay.  With my gluten and lactose issues I'll always have to watch what I eat.  But this isn't what's so bad. Focusing on vegetables, protein, and making sure I have a few carbs.  That's all okay.  Well kind of.  I do it to make sure I'm eating enough.  In time, some of that will change too.  But what's wrong is that I'm not just forcing myself to eat, it's that I'm forcing myself to eat things that I don't like, because they are healthier than what I really want.  They are the better/healthier option.  And if I'm being honest, it's also easier because I won'

As I continue reading "You are Not What you Weigh" I found the chapter that so far as hit me the most.  The one that has made me think.  The one that has opened my eyes just a little more.  The one that reminds me I'm not alone. All too often I catch myself comparing myself to others.  I'm comparing myself to people that have different body types than I do, people who are shorter or taller than I am, people who have different genetics, etc.  We are each unique.  None of us are exactly the same.  No matter how was it is for me to compare and think I should be as skinny as or look like this person or that, I'm Amanda and I was created to look like I do, not to look like someone else.  This has been one of the hardest lessons to grasp and even more to apply.  I struggle with it and remind myself this isn't a competition, this is about me being healthy, physically and mentally.  It's about me taking care of my body.  It's about properly fueling myself and

I have always had a love/hate relationship with shopping.  I have always struggled with shopping because I was never as small as I wanted to be.  I always thought I had to be smaller.  When I started losing weight, shopping because easier.  It was easier because I was wearing sizes that I had not worn before.  I was wearing sizes I could only dream of.  Depending on the brand my size changed, but they were all smaller than before.  So much smaller.  I dropped 4-5 sizes depending on the brand.  It felt amazing.  I've maintained and even gained a little back (that part hurts, that part is hard).  But unfortunately, I'm unable to exercise until the doctor says my ankle can handle it.  I had been doing a little better.  Until I went shopping.  Until I decided to try on a fall dress.  Until, I took 3 dresses into the fitting room and for the first time in a long time I needed the largest one.  It hurt.  It hurt so much that I had to force myself to eat later that day.  It hurt so mu

   This week has been difficult.  Between being home unexpectedly and not eating like I needed to and then attempting a new eating plan, it's been rough.  I'm still trying to find an eating plan that is healthy, ensures that I'm eating enough, and let's me have treats some.  Since well, I'm just learning to eat those again.  I can't just completely take them out.  This week brought a few steps backwards. This week brought dealing negatively with the whole no exercise and no running any time soon news.  It's hard, it hurts. And my brain reacts with you can't eat.  It's been a constant fight since last week.  There were a few days when the negative side won.  I worked so hard, but a few times this week I lost the battle to eat all three meals every day and make sure I was eating a snack.  It truly was just a few, but it tells me I'm not better.  It tells me I have so much I still must work on.  It reminds me that I have to keep working.   I

           Sometimes you make progress, sometimes you take a few steps back, other times you realize just how much progress you still need to make.        I had reached out to a professional for assistance in making a meal plan, to insure that I was eating enough all while still being healthy.  What happens when I look at it? I have questions.  Not just one question, not just a few, but an entire email full of questions to ask her.  Why? Because I don't think like everyone else. Why? Because I look at the food and see things I am not supposed to eat.  Why? I look at it and am paranoid it's too much food.  Why? I look at it and need to know how much a serving is, if it isn't listed.  Why? Because if the serving size isn't listed I'll err on the side of caution of eating too much and not eat enough.  Those are only a few of the questions I had.  There were more.          Why all the questions? I'm still that terrified of eating too much.  I'm still af

As I begin to make progress, I can't help but notice those little things that are different now.  I can't help but see those things that before I couldn't see.  For me so many things were normal for me that never should have been. Today, I was visiting a few clients and didn't have my afternoon snack.  Fast forward to the end of my visits and my sugar was dropping.  I ate as quick as I could. I didn't over eat, but properly fueled my body.  And in time, my body was okay. I couldn't help but think about all the times that has happened before.  All the times when I told people I just needed to eat it had been too long.  In reality it'd be two hours and I needed to eat because my sugar was dropping.  Sadly this isn't an exaggeration, Elizabeth and mom can confirm how often we'd be out and have to get home or how often just traveling across the mountain or something meant I had to buy a protein bar! This isn't normal. For me, it was. Why? I wasn&

When you move, you find a lot of things.  One of the few things I found was my measuring tapes! Did you catch the plural? I say that because throughout the move I lost count just how many I have. Why? Because I always thought I had to have one! I always thought I had to know my measurements.  Because well, if I couldn't weigh myself every day or wasn't suppose to use a scale constantly, how else was I suppose to determine my progress? Why did I have so many, there a little easier to misplace than you'd think sometimes.  If I couldn't find mine, I'd simply buy a replacement.  During my move Elizabeth and I found at least 5, maybe more! Now, I see that having that many measuring tapes is a problem.  Then I considered them lost, considered my need to have one more necessary, and didn't think twice about having so many.  I almost always knew and had constant access to two. And kept a running note on my iPhone of my measurements and kept them logged on my tracker a

        Recovery requires learning to eat again.  It's about learning to enjoy food again and not let it control me! I continue to be a work in progress, but I'm making it. Evenings like tonight, remind me that I'm getting there.  One dessert won't destroy everything I've worked so hard for. IF I'm being honest, I should lift enough weights tomorrow to help burn it all off! (See still a work in progress). But I'm learning that I can have a rest day in the middle of the week, that it's okay to enjoy dinner, eat food, and not over analyze a menu.  Tonight was the first time in a very long time that I didn't take the time to look at a menu and overanalyze everything on it! Tonight I had one of my favorite foods at one of my favorite restaurants and even had dessert! My favorite one at that! It isn't something I'll do all the time, it was a late celebration, so there's still much more progress to be made.  I still had a reason to celebrate,

      What happens when you're with your niece and great niece all week? You think.  You think about all you want them to be, how much you want them to love themselves, how much you want them to know just how beautiful they are! Aunt Amanda brag, they love me! But I love them. Because they love me, because I'm their aunt I have the power to help shape their minds.  I don't want them to be like me.  I don't want them to think they're fat when they're not.  I don't want them to think they have to diet. I don't want them to think that being "skinny" is the most important thing.  Eating healthy, being healthy is important.  But if they're older and not doing that, I'll LOVE them NO MATTER what!       Unfortunately, I let someone close to me, someone in my family tell me at 10 years old I needed to diet.  Tell me at 10 I needed to watch what I ate, to quit eating late, to not eat bread, etc.  My mom told me I didn't have to.

     On Saturday,  I moved into my new apartment with some help from some professional movers and a whole lot of help from my sister.  Moving requires eating out or not eating.  Elizabeth and I picked eating out.  For me the is a big deal.  Why? Because what most of you don't know is that I avoided eating out for so long! I'd find reasons not to go out, find reasons to invite people to my apartment, travel with food, even if that food was a protein bar. Eating out became something I reserved for only one of my closest friends and even with my friend, I tried to make sure we were celebrating something (i.e. my half marathon).  There was a time when I didn't even do that. Why? I blamed my friend's work schedule and my training.  Partially true.  But deep down I didn't want to eat out.  I didn't want anyone else to see what I ate or to see how hard it is for me to eat or to choose something to eat.  While celebrating my half marathon at dinner, I had fun.  I didn&#

   The scale! It's either your best friend or your worst enemy.  Initially, when I first started losing weight, it was amazing.  I saw results constantly, I saw numbers I had never seen before.  Then the numbers quit moving and I was determined to make them move again. I won't mention numbers, but know that the number I wanted to see wasn't a healthy one.  The number I was at, was actually healthy.     The scale destroyed me, so I destroyed mine! I quite literally, took a hammer to it and shattered it! I've avoided any scales ever since, at the doctor's office I'll turn my back or if it isn't necessary that I get weighed I'll ask not to be.  But this evening, before I could turn around, before I thought it through, I looked! I saw a number and instantly hated myself. I saw a number and it made me want to instantly not eat and go workout.  I saw a number and I didn't care that I have to use modifications to workout, I didn't care that I have been

       I thought it was only fitting to start this blog, as I begin a new year.  I have spent part of this weekend celebrating my birthday.  I spent part of this weekend, eating cake, chicken and dumplings (my mom and sister made me special gluten and lactose free dumplings), macaroni and cheese (GF of course), and I ate it. There was a part of me that didn't want it.  Why? I look at my cake and I don't just see a cute cake that my  sister worked hard on.  I see carbs and sugar.  I see unhealthy and a big you're not suppose to eat that because it will make you fat! This is how my brain works.  This is why I struggle to eat.    What I didn't take a picture of were the two slices of cake that I ended up eating over the course of 24 hours or all the food I ended up eating.  I didn't workout today.  My body isn't 100% post accident yet.  I couldn't run like I wanted.  But I choose to enjoy my birthday. I chose to eat my speciality birthday cake.  I cho