Holidays & Travel! Amanda had what?!
Between the holidays and being out of town, I haven't posted in a few weeks.
Holidays:
Thanksgiving dinner, I ate. I hated not being able to work out like I have in years past, as I'm still recovering with my ankle. I ate, I watched what I ate, (thanks to my gluten & lactose issues carbs were easily avoidable!). I ate and I still ate healthy on Thanksgiving. I did splurge and have chocolate covered peanuts my Aunt Barb made. I enjoyed them when I ate them, as I haven't eaten them in a very long time, but there was still part of me that felt like I didn't deserve to eat them.
When comparing this to last year, I worked out and ate, but I ate because I had worked out. This year I ate without working out. This year I had a dessert even if it wasn't pumpkin pie. It was small and I regretted it, but I ate it. I still ate. I enjoyed eating dinner with my cousins, sister, and niece at the "kid" table. There were parts of it that I was able to enjoy. Other parts were still difficult. But in comparison to last year, still some pieces of progress. Why? Because this year I left all my measuring cups in Kentucky. This year I didn't weigh my turkey. I didn't measure any of my side dishes in measuring cups. That alone is progress. And next year I'll make even more progress.
My week in Baltimore:
Traveling, spending time in the air port, being away from restaurants you're accustomed too. It's difficult when you have an eating disorder. Eating out is still difficult for me. I hate having to look at menus and decipher what I might or might not be able to eat or what still fits within the parameters I've given myself. I have several restrictive foods that I still don't eat or limit because I'm not there just yet. I did well for a few days, so well that I went backwards after it, because I knew I had eaten too much or had foods I haven't allowed myself and instantly regretted them. There was a day I lived off protein shakes and bars and some water. I tried to force myself to have dinner one evening, made it to a Baltimore restaurant before I just couldn't do it. Instead this is what I had for dinner.
Holidays:
Thanksgiving dinner, I ate. I hated not being able to work out like I have in years past, as I'm still recovering with my ankle. I ate, I watched what I ate, (thanks to my gluten & lactose issues carbs were easily avoidable!). I ate and I still ate healthy on Thanksgiving. I did splurge and have chocolate covered peanuts my Aunt Barb made. I enjoyed them when I ate them, as I haven't eaten them in a very long time, but there was still part of me that felt like I didn't deserve to eat them.
When comparing this to last year, I worked out and ate, but I ate because I had worked out. This year I ate without working out. This year I had a dessert even if it wasn't pumpkin pie. It was small and I regretted it, but I ate it. I still ate. I enjoyed eating dinner with my cousins, sister, and niece at the "kid" table. There were parts of it that I was able to enjoy. Other parts were still difficult. But in comparison to last year, still some pieces of progress. Why? Because this year I left all my measuring cups in Kentucky. This year I didn't weigh my turkey. I didn't measure any of my side dishes in measuring cups. That alone is progress. And next year I'll make even more progress.
My week in Baltimore:
Traveling, spending time in the air port, being away from restaurants you're accustomed too. It's difficult when you have an eating disorder. Eating out is still difficult for me. I hate having to look at menus and decipher what I might or might not be able to eat or what still fits within the parameters I've given myself. I have several restrictive foods that I still don't eat or limit because I'm not there just yet. I did well for a few days, so well that I went backwards after it, because I knew I had eaten too much or had foods I haven't allowed myself and instantly regretted them. There was a day I lived off protein shakes and bars and some water. I tried to force myself to have dinner one evening, made it to a Baltimore restaurant before I just couldn't do it. Instead this is what I had for dinner.
This is exactly what it looks like, a cup full of water! Yes, this was in fact my dinner. The day after I ate, and then regretted it and have watched today a little more strictly what I have eaten, but I have eaten 3 meals today. It's hard. It's difficult, and I won't pretend that I've got this all figured out. I won't pretend that I am better yet. I know I'm not. I know that I still have work to do. I know there are still changes that need to be made. And I'll get there, but it's going to take more time, more focus, more determination, and a whole of prayer. One day, one day I'll get there. But if I don't share those ugly days, I'm not being honest with this blog, and that isn't right.
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