Recovery: Learning to love myself, food, & eating treats!

With weight loss, with working out, with gaining muscle, it all comes with changes  These changes are seen by everyone around you.  Yet do you see them when you look in the mirror? Can you see that you're smaller? Can you see that you've gained muscle? Can you see that some fat is gone? Or do you still see the old self? Does what you see in the mirror reflect how others see you? No matter my size, I've always seen myself as larger than what others saw me.  I've always seen myself as bigger, fatter, etc. than everyone else.  Even once I lost almost 50 pounds I still see myself as bigger than anyone else sees me.  I still see myself as the "fat kid."  I still myself as needing to lose a few pounds.  I look in the mirror and hate the reflection! For me it isn't good enough.  For me I don't see all the changes for the better.  Instead I see a body that still has fat that needs to be gone.  I see someone who still isn't toned enough, who needs to be a

I continually remind myself that this is a journey.  Any journey will be full of ups and downs.  I always knew this wouldn't be easy.  But if I'm being honest, I'll admit that I didn't realize just how hard some of the moments would be.   Overall, I've done my best not to skip any meals and eat enough.  But I have to make sure I'm not eating too much either.  I have continued my healthy eating but making sure I eat enough.  For the most part I know what I can and can't eat so I don't look at nutrition facts too closely unless it's a new food or for a new recipe.  If anything, I'll try to just look at the ingredient list to make sure it's safe for me.  However, no matter how hard I try looking at the nutrition facts happens sometimes.  I had found a healthy snack option to use instead of my usual. I misunderstood the serving size and had been eating too much.  Before everyone panics, know that it was a lot of carbs.  I mean way way  more th

I don't want everyone to think I only have bad days.  Some times I have good ones, or at the very least better ones.  Tonight I ate out at dinner and I ate but I also made healthy choices.  It's about learning how to balance.  I had eaten healthy all day and even at dinner I make healthy choices but slightly splurged just a little.  I ate.  Today for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed all of my meals and had proper snacks.  It isn't perfect and I've slightly struggled even today.  But it's been amazing.  Progress for me is having more than I'd normally eat or telling myself you need a box and instead choosing to "clean my plate."  Sans the fight from my meat I did just that!! I am thankful for friends who have been extremely supportive, remind me that they're behind me, remind me that I'm making healthier choices than most, and that it's okay to eat.  Does it mean I'll eat like I did today every day, no. But it's okay to enj

No one said recovering from an eating disorder would be easy.  As I recover, I continue to see things and notice things that remind me that I am not better.  That I had gotten to such a deep/dark point with food and eating (not eating).  I catch myself thinking about what I eating, making sure it's clean and healthy.  That isn't the "bad" part.  That's still okay.  With my gluten and lactose issues I'll always have to watch what I eat.  But this isn't what's so bad. Focusing on vegetables, protein, and making sure I have a few carbs.  That's all okay.  Well kind of.  I do it to make sure I'm eating enough.  In time, some of that will change too.  But what's wrong is that I'm not just forcing myself to eat, it's that I'm forcing myself to eat things that I don't like, because they are healthier than what I really want.  They are the better/healthier option.  And if I'm being honest, it's also easier because I won'

As I continue reading "You are Not What you Weigh" I found the chapter that so far as hit me the most.  The one that has made me think.  The one that has opened my eyes just a little more.  The one that reminds me I'm not alone. All too often I catch myself comparing myself to others.  I'm comparing myself to people that have different body types than I do, people who are shorter or taller than I am, people who have different genetics, etc.  We are each unique.  None of us are exactly the same.  No matter how was it is for me to compare and think I should be as skinny as or look like this person or that, I'm Amanda and I was created to look like I do, not to look like someone else.  This has been one of the hardest lessons to grasp and even more to apply.  I struggle with it and remind myself this isn't a competition, this is about me being healthy, physically and mentally.  It's about me taking care of my body.  It's about properly fueling myself and

I have always had a love/hate relationship with shopping.  I have always struggled with shopping because I was never as small as I wanted to be.  I always thought I had to be smaller.  When I started losing weight, shopping because easier.  It was easier because I was wearing sizes that I had not worn before.  I was wearing sizes I could only dream of.  Depending on the brand my size changed, but they were all smaller than before.  So much smaller.  I dropped 4-5 sizes depending on the brand.  It felt amazing.  I've maintained and even gained a little back (that part hurts, that part is hard).  But unfortunately, I'm unable to exercise until the doctor says my ankle can handle it.  I had been doing a little better.  Until I went shopping.  Until I decided to try on a fall dress.  Until, I took 3 dresses into the fitting room and for the first time in a long time I needed the largest one.  It hurt.  It hurt so much that I had to force myself to eat later that day.  It hurt so mu