Shopping: Fun or Torture?

I have always had a love/hate relationship with shopping.  I have always struggled with shopping because I was never as small as I wanted to be.  I always thought I had to be smaller.  When I started losing weight, shopping because easier.  It was easier because I was wearing sizes that I had not worn before.  I was wearing sizes I could only dream of.  Depending on the brand my size changed, but they were all smaller than before.  So much smaller.  I dropped 4-5 sizes depending on the brand.  It felt amazing.  I've maintained and even gained a little back (that part hurts, that part is hard).  But unfortunately, I'm unable to exercise until the doctor says my ankle can handle it.  I had been doing a little better.  Until I went shopping.  Until I decided to try on a fall dress.  Until, I took 3 dresses into the fitting room and for the first time in a long time I needed the largest one.  It hurt.  It hurt so much that I had to force myself to eat later that day.  It hurt so much that a large portion of my meals the next day were forced and consigned of protein bars or shakes.  I struggled. I hate that my suits are one size and the dress I tried on was another.  I hate that trying on clothes and a number on a label has this much control over me. I try to remind myself before I had the lowest size because I didn't believe how much weight I had lost.  I try to remind myself that sizing varies, I try to remind myself that the material of the dress is different than my suits.  I try to remind myself that I'm more than a number.  That I have not gained all my weight back and that number matches a few other dresses in my closest. I try to remind myself that it is not the end of the world. But in that moment I couldn't stop my brain from going completely backwards.  I couldn't stop the hurt and the frustration.  I have to remind myself that it's okay.  It doesn't make this process any easier and some days it hurts just as much as it did before I started the recovery process.  For now, it's one day at a time, it's one step at a time.  And some day maybe, I'll be able to just buy clothes without all the extra baggage.  


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