Mirror Mirror on the Wall
With weight loss, with working out, with gaining muscle, it all comes with changes These changes are seen by everyone around you. Yet do you see them when you look in the mirror? Can you see that you're smaller? Can you see that you've gained muscle? Can you see that some fat is gone? Or do you still see the old self? Does what you see in the mirror reflect how others see you?
No matter my size, I've always seen myself as larger than what others saw me. I've always seen myself as bigger, fatter, etc. than everyone else. Even once I lost almost 50 pounds I still see myself as bigger than anyone else sees me. I still see myself as the "fat kid." I still myself as needing to lose a few pounds. I look in the mirror and hate the reflection! For me it isn't good enough. For me I don't see all the changes for the better. Instead I see a body that still has fat that needs to be gone. I see someone who still isn't toned enough, who needs to be a bit more toned & skinny. When others see me, they would see a "sick" person, someone who looked boney, someone who was (for them still) small. Me, I don't see that. I see someone who's put on a few pounds since my accident. I see someone who isn't as toned as she once was. Who needs to be able to exercise again.
What I see is completely different than what everyone else sees. This three year old picture of me, one that is 45 pounds heavier (or about that) is what I still see. I don't see the me that everyone else sees.
Some days as much as I try to ignore the size on a label, some days it helps. Why? Because some days, I look in the mirror and hate what I see and it's the size on my suit jacket that reminds me even 2 years ago this was an impossible size! That even with the eating and not being well enough to workout, that I still fit in my small clothes that are at least 2-3 sizes lower than my goal size. Some days I take a picture of myself because I catch a glimpse of the Amanda everyone else sees. When I see it, I want to capture it so that I can remember it. I don't do it to post a bunch of pictures on social media (let's be honest, that's for bragging about and showing Aurora off) but so that they are saved on my camera roll. So that I can glance and see what everyone else sees and remind myself that all of my hard work has not and is not in vain. That I accomplished what I set out to do and I'm maintaining that!
One of these days I'll see myself as others see me. Other days I don't. I'm still a work in progress. But until I get there, I'll take it a day at a time and continue using pictures and labels that remind me of just how far I've come!
No matter my size, I've always seen myself as larger than what others saw me. I've always seen myself as bigger, fatter, etc. than everyone else. Even once I lost almost 50 pounds I still see myself as bigger than anyone else sees me. I still see myself as the "fat kid." I still myself as needing to lose a few pounds. I look in the mirror and hate the reflection! For me it isn't good enough. For me I don't see all the changes for the better. Instead I see a body that still has fat that needs to be gone. I see someone who still isn't toned enough, who needs to be a bit more toned & skinny. When others see me, they would see a "sick" person, someone who looked boney, someone who was (for them still) small. Me, I don't see that. I see someone who's put on a few pounds since my accident. I see someone who isn't as toned as she once was. Who needs to be able to exercise again.
What I see is completely different than what everyone else sees. This three year old picture of me, one that is 45 pounds heavier (or about that) is what I still see. I don't see the me that everyone else sees.
Some days as much as I try to ignore the size on a label, some days it helps. Why? Because some days, I look in the mirror and hate what I see and it's the size on my suit jacket that reminds me even 2 years ago this was an impossible size! That even with the eating and not being well enough to workout, that I still fit in my small clothes that are at least 2-3 sizes lower than my goal size. Some days I take a picture of myself because I catch a glimpse of the Amanda everyone else sees. When I see it, I want to capture it so that I can remember it. I don't do it to post a bunch of pictures on social media (let's be honest, that's for bragging about and showing Aurora off) but so that they are saved on my camera roll. So that I can glance and see what everyone else sees and remind myself that all of my hard work has not and is not in vain. That I accomplished what I set out to do and I'm maintaining that!
One of these days I'll see myself as others see me. Other days I don't. I'm still a work in progress. But until I get there, I'll take it a day at a time and continue using pictures and labels that remind me of just how far I've come!
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