Amanda ate what?!



       I thought it was only fitting to start this blog, as I begin a new year.  I have spent part of this weekend celebrating my birthday.  I spent part of this weekend, eating cake, chicken and dumplings (my mom and sister made me special gluten and lactose free dumplings), macaroni and cheese (GF of course), and I ate it. There was a part of me that didn't want it.  Why? I look at my cake and I don't just see a cute cake that my  sister worked hard on.  I see carbs and sugar.  I see unhealthy and a big you're not suppose to eat that because it will make you fat! This is how my brain works.  This is why I struggle to eat.



   What I didn't take a picture of were the two slices of cake that I ended up eating over the course of 24 hours or all the food I ended up eating.  I didn't workout today.  My body isn't 100% post accident yet.  I couldn't run like I wanted.  But I choose to enjoy my birthday. I chose to eat my speciality birthday cake.  I chose to not look at a box and check for carbs, calories, sugar, etc.  I ate it.  I loved it! Did I feel guilty afterwards.  Yes! That just means I'm still a work in progress.  But I took that first step.  I ate more carbs than I should have allowed myself at dinner last night, and at breakfast and lunch this morning.  Clearly I'm still working on me based upon that sentence alone.  I won't revise this and take it out.  Why? Because it's part of my journey.  Because this is still moving forward for me.  This isn't an everything will get better in a day kinda problem.  This isn't an everything will be find and I won't not worry.  I'm still working on me.  I'm taking it a day at a time.  I chose to begin this new year, with a big slice of cake! My goal is to not regret it.  I still have mixed feelings about it. But it was a positive step.  Does this mean I get cake or all the carbs everyday? NO! But it does mean that special occasions call for celebrations and those celebrations can include cake.  Not many know this, but I went over a year without eating cake! There was one exception and that was cheesecake for my birthday.  But at every single party, dinner, etc. that I went to, I wouldn't eat it.  I knew how bad it was and I refused.  So friends, this is progress! Progress isn't perfection.  It's just that I'm making those changes that make me healthier.  Never thought I'd say eating a piece of cake could be good for my health.  But when it comes to Eating Disorder Recovery, it's a very good thing! 

Here's to a new year, a new chapter, and sharing this journey with those of you who choose to follow along!


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