Friends, Food, & Eating Out

     On Saturday,  I moved into my new apartment with some help from some professional movers and a whole lot of help from my sister.  Moving requires eating out or not eating.  Elizabeth and I picked eating out.  For me the is a big deal.  Why? Because what most of you don't know is that I avoided eating out for so long! I'd find reasons not to go out, find reasons to invite people to my apartment, travel with food, even if that food was a protein bar. Eating out became something I reserved for only one of my closest friends and even with my friend, I tried to make sure we were celebrating something (i.e. my half marathon).  There was a time when I didn't even do that. Why? I blamed my friend's work schedule and my training.  Partially true.  But deep down I didn't want to eat out.  I didn't want anyone else to see what I ate or to see how hard it is for me to eat or to choose something to eat.  While celebrating my half marathon at dinner, I had fun.  I didn't care about what I ate or how much.  It was the most fun eating out experience that I had in a very long time.  Since then, I've made more of an effort to make sure I continue that. Not just with that friend, but with a few other friends that I'm close to.

     Saturday I ate out twice with Elizabeth.  I still struggle at the menu as all I can think is I can't have that, I can't eat that, that's bad for me, etc.  I don't look at a menu and just see what looks good.  I look at a menu and dissect it.  Then when the food is served it's how do I portion it, or if I eat this, what do I cut out later, what do I not eat later, or how long do I have to work out if I eat this.  These are the things that go through my mind.  Those portions are too big, or that's not enough protein, or that's too much sauce, or that's too much fat, etc.  I can't control how something is made when I go out.  I made healthy choices, or as healthy as they could be.  I choose egg whites over eggs, I picked fresh veggies.  I chose chicken and veggies, etc.  I did my best. And while I still stressed over the amount of fat and the carb portions, I reminded myself I had to unpack, had to clean.  I reminded myself that this is still progress! Sometimes it's slow, sometimes it's a few steps back.  Other times it's progress because you're moving forward AND you're seeing those things you still have to work on.  Eating out is hard, others are watching me eat.  I have to eat.  I have to not let all the emotions and the struggle going through my mind show to my friends or my family.
      This is why I loved the day after my half marathon. I ate and didn't care. I enjoyed it and could just enjoy friendship and not thinking about it.  I love those moments with my dearest friends when we're so busy catching up that I don't have time to overthink when I look at the menu.  It's order and keep talking.  It's about spending time with one another and not overanalyzing my food choices.  Those meals are my favorite.  Thankful for special friendships that let hat happen sometimes.  My goal is to continue working on this, so that I don't overanalyze the rest of the time.  To make sure I don't make excuses not to spend time with my closest friends because of food.  To enjoy those special moments with my friends and not let food get in the way.