Recovery: Learning to love myself, food, & eating treats!

   This week has been difficult.  Between being home unexpectedly and not eating like I needed to and then attempting a new eating plan, it's been rough.  I'm still trying to find an eating plan that is healthy, ensures that I'm eating enough, and let's me have treats some.  Since well, I'm just learning to eat those again.  I can't just completely take them out.  This week brought a few steps backwards. This week brought dealing negatively with the whole no exercise and no running any time soon news.  It's hard, it hurts. And my brain reacts with you can't eat.  It's been a constant fight since last week.  There were a few days when the negative side won.  I worked so hard, but a few times this week I lost the battle to eat all three meals every day and make sure I was eating a snack.  It truly was just a few, but it tells me I'm not better.  It tells me I have so much I still must work on.  It reminds me that I have to keep working.   I

           Sometimes you make progress, sometimes you take a few steps back, other times you realize just how much progress you still need to make.        I had reached out to a professional for assistance in making a meal plan, to insure that I was eating enough all while still being healthy.  What happens when I look at it? I have questions.  Not just one question, not just a few, but an entire email full of questions to ask her.  Why? Because I don't think like everyone else. Why? Because I look at the food and see things I am not supposed to eat.  Why? I look at it and am paranoid it's too much food.  Why? I look at it and need to know how much a serving is, if it isn't listed.  Why? Because if the serving size isn't listed I'll err on the side of caution of eating too much and not eat enough.  Those are only a few of the questions I had.  There were more.          Why all the questions? I'm still that terrified of eating too much.  I'm still af

As I begin to make progress, I can't help but notice those little things that are different now.  I can't help but see those things that before I couldn't see.  For me so many things were normal for me that never should have been. Today, I was visiting a few clients and didn't have my afternoon snack.  Fast forward to the end of my visits and my sugar was dropping.  I ate as quick as I could. I didn't over eat, but properly fueled my body.  And in time, my body was okay. I couldn't help but think about all the times that has happened before.  All the times when I told people I just needed to eat it had been too long.  In reality it'd be two hours and I needed to eat because my sugar was dropping.  Sadly this isn't an exaggeration, Elizabeth and mom can confirm how often we'd be out and have to get home or how often just traveling across the mountain or something meant I had to buy a protein bar! This isn't normal. For me, it was. Why? I wasn&

When you move, you find a lot of things.  One of the few things I found was my measuring tapes! Did you catch the plural? I say that because throughout the move I lost count just how many I have. Why? Because I always thought I had to have one! I always thought I had to know my measurements.  Because well, if I couldn't weigh myself every day or wasn't suppose to use a scale constantly, how else was I suppose to determine my progress? Why did I have so many, there a little easier to misplace than you'd think sometimes.  If I couldn't find mine, I'd simply buy a replacement.  During my move Elizabeth and I found at least 5, maybe more! Now, I see that having that many measuring tapes is a problem.  Then I considered them lost, considered my need to have one more necessary, and didn't think twice about having so many.  I almost always knew and had constant access to two. And kept a running note on my iPhone of my measurements and kept them logged on my tracker a

        Recovery requires learning to eat again.  It's about learning to enjoy food again and not let it control me! I continue to be a work in progress, but I'm making it. Evenings like tonight, remind me that I'm getting there.  One dessert won't destroy everything I've worked so hard for. IF I'm being honest, I should lift enough weights tomorrow to help burn it all off! (See still a work in progress). But I'm learning that I can have a rest day in the middle of the week, that it's okay to enjoy dinner, eat food, and not over analyze a menu.  Tonight was the first time in a very long time that I didn't take the time to look at a menu and overanalyze everything on it! Tonight I had one of my favorite foods at one of my favorite restaurants and even had dessert! My favorite one at that! It isn't something I'll do all the time, it was a late celebration, so there's still much more progress to be made.  I still had a reason to celebrate,

      What happens when you're with your niece and great niece all week? You think.  You think about all you want them to be, how much you want them to love themselves, how much you want them to know just how beautiful they are! Aunt Amanda brag, they love me! But I love them. Because they love me, because I'm their aunt I have the power to help shape their minds.  I don't want them to be like me.  I don't want them to think they're fat when they're not.  I don't want them to think they have to diet. I don't want them to think that being "skinny" is the most important thing.  Eating healthy, being healthy is important.  But if they're older and not doing that, I'll LOVE them NO MATTER what!       Unfortunately, I let someone close to me, someone in my family tell me at 10 years old I needed to diet.  Tell me at 10 I needed to watch what I ate, to quit eating late, to not eat bread, etc.  My mom told me I didn't have to.