What Progress Looks Like
As I begin to make progress, I can't help but notice those little things that are different now. I can't help but see those things that before I couldn't see. For me so many things were normal for me that never should have been.
Today, I was visiting a few clients and didn't have my afternoon snack. Fast forward to the end of my visits and my sugar was dropping. I ate as quick as I could. I didn't over eat, but properly fueled my body. And in time, my body was okay.
I couldn't help but think about all the times that has happened before. All the times when I told people I just needed to eat it had been too long. In reality it'd be two hours and I needed to eat because my sugar was dropping. Sadly this isn't an exaggeration, Elizabeth and mom can confirm how often we'd be out and have to get home or how often just traveling across the mountain or something meant I had to buy a protein bar! This isn't normal. For me, it was. Why? I wasn't eating enough for fear I'd gain weight. I had it down to a science I ate just enough to get by, so I could tell people I ate. If I ate more than I thought I should, I wouldn't eat anything for hours. I'd skip a meal or two in a day. Because I didn't want to gain weight. Because I was determined not to gain any of my weight back! And of course I wanted to keep losing! All too often my sugar dropped. I won't tell you how often, it became a normal for me to be in court and have my sugar drop or to be at home and need to eat but be afraid too because I forgot to buy healthy groceries before I came home. Today I realized I hadn't felt this way in a while. And I remember how terrible it feels. I don't miss these days. I don't miss the being sick, physically and literally.
No one really knows how sick I was. This is just a glimpse into that. I made all the excuses, I ate (just enough) so I didn't lie when I said I had eaten, I was following a meal plan (ironically), and so much more. Progress isn't made overnight. I still have my bad days. I still struggle. I do my best and I still have bad days. But I'm doing my best. I'm slowly getting better. And some day, I'll hopefully truly enjoy food again, without the guilt. And some day I won't have a desire to skip meals. Until then, I'll make small steps of progress and keep getting there.
Today, I was visiting a few clients and didn't have my afternoon snack. Fast forward to the end of my visits and my sugar was dropping. I ate as quick as I could. I didn't over eat, but properly fueled my body. And in time, my body was okay.
I couldn't help but think about all the times that has happened before. All the times when I told people I just needed to eat it had been too long. In reality it'd be two hours and I needed to eat because my sugar was dropping. Sadly this isn't an exaggeration, Elizabeth and mom can confirm how often we'd be out and have to get home or how often just traveling across the mountain or something meant I had to buy a protein bar! This isn't normal. For me, it was. Why? I wasn't eating enough for fear I'd gain weight. I had it down to a science I ate just enough to get by, so I could tell people I ate. If I ate more than I thought I should, I wouldn't eat anything for hours. I'd skip a meal or two in a day. Because I didn't want to gain weight. Because I was determined not to gain any of my weight back! And of course I wanted to keep losing! All too often my sugar dropped. I won't tell you how often, it became a normal for me to be in court and have my sugar drop or to be at home and need to eat but be afraid too because I forgot to buy healthy groceries before I came home. Today I realized I hadn't felt this way in a while. And I remember how terrible it feels. I don't miss these days. I don't miss the being sick, physically and literally.
No one really knows how sick I was. This is just a glimpse into that. I made all the excuses, I ate (just enough) so I didn't lie when I said I had eaten, I was following a meal plan (ironically), and so much more. Progress isn't made overnight. I still have my bad days. I still struggle. I do my best and I still have bad days. But I'm doing my best. I'm slowly getting better. And some day, I'll hopefully truly enjoy food again, without the guilt. And some day I won't have a desire to skip meals. Until then, I'll make small steps of progress and keep getting there.
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