Is Going Backwards Still Progress?

   This week has been difficult.  Between being home unexpectedly and not eating like I needed to and then attempting a new eating plan, it's been rough.  I'm still trying to find an eating plan that is healthy, ensures that I'm eating enough, and let's me have treats some.  Since well, I'm just learning to eat those again.  I can't just completely take them out.  This week brought a few steps backwards.

This week brought dealing negatively with the whole no exercise and no running any time soon news.  It's hard, it hurts. And my brain reacts with you can't eat.  It's been a constant fight since last week.  There were a few days when the negative side won.  I worked so hard, but a few times this week I lost the battle to eat all three meals every day and make sure I was eating a snack.  It truly was just a few, but it tells me I'm not better.  It tells me I have so much I still must work on.  It reminds me that I have to keep working.  

If that weren't enough, Friday I did well and then Saturday morning my sugar dropped just like it used to.  All the frustration came right back.  Why? Because I went back to drinking too much water (Yes, it's definitely possible) and I didn't eat enough.  I ate, I wasn't hungry, I made smart food choices, etc.  But it wasn't enough.  It wasn't enough food.  It wasn't enough to properly fuel my body.  Instead, I drank too much water which kept me from eating enough.  If that weren't enough, I've caught myself eating things that I'm not particularly fond of simply because they're healthy.  Simply because they're fewer clarions and carbs than what I really want. Because I won't let myself eat what I actually want.  Because when I do I just feel guilty.  Because when I do, I know I won't eat like I should.

I have fallen directly back into my old trap. I put on that old hat and it hurt.  I put on that old hat and I've been recovering from it since. It's a delicate balance for me.  And right now I've went backwards.  I'm learning and seeing the mistakes I've made and the ones I catch myself repeating.  It doesn't make this process any easier.  It makes it all the more frustrating.  

Some days this process seems like it will never end.  Sometimes it's like I'm just going backwards or that I haven't made any progress at all.  This week I saw the mistakes just after a day or two and am working to fix those.  This week I had barbecue sauce for the first time in over a year! And I had lunch with a friend and didn't completely overanalyze the menu. Sometimes it's the smallest of victories in light of the setbacks that remind me I'm still moving.  I'm still trying.  I'm a work in progress and will be for a bit.  

I'm thankful for the friends who are there, the ones who check on me, who let me vent because they understand and the ones who have been so supportive.  I'll keep working.  I'll keep trying. And some day I'll figure this out.  Until then, it's one day at a time, one week at a time.