Tiny Steps forward & Barbecue Sauce: Tiny steps are still progress

    
      Sometimes you make progress, sometimes you take a few steps back, other times you realize just how much progress you still need to make.  

     I had reached out to a professional for assistance in making a meal plan, to insure that I was eating enough all while still being healthy.  What happens when I look at it? I have questions.  Not just one question, not just a few, but an entire email full of questions to ask her.  Why? Because I don't think like everyone else. Why? Because I look at the food and see things I am not supposed to eat.  Why? I look at it and am paranoid it's too much food.  Why? I look at it and need to know how much a serving is, if it isn't listed.  Why? Because if the serving size isn't listed I'll err on the side of caution of eating too much and not eat enough.  Those are only a few of the questions I had.  There were more.  
  
    Why all the questions? I'm still that terrified of eating too much.  I'm still afraid of gaining my weight back.  I told myself for so long that certain foods and certain things were off limits and I don't want to go back to them.  I still can't eat them.  I'm still afraid.  It's been over a year since I have had any kind of barbecue sauce or any other kind of true flavored sauce for my food.  Why? Extra calories, unnecessary sodium, unnecessary sugar, unnecessary carbs, etc. I was always afraid of too much.  I was told I couldn't have it.  I listened to that.  I let having someone tell me I couldn't have it be the end of me eating it.  It doesn't mean I can't have it at all.  It doesn't mean I can't have it on occasion.  I can have it in moderation like other things. I can use it to flavor my food but to be careful.  I can enjoy those flavors that have loved for so long.  But have denied myself for so long.  For the first time in over a year I purchased barbecue sauce at the grocery store.  Now it becomes, how long will it stay in my cabinet before it's opened? My hope is that I am brave enough to use it soon.  My hope is that I was brave enough to purchase it, that I can be brave enough to eat it.  

It's all about small steps.  It's all about acknowledging that I can enjoy food again.  It's all about taking the time to get better.  It's all about taking small steps, even if it feels like a few steps backwards.  Or taking the tiniest of steps, only to realize how important it actually is.  For now I'll keep asking questions, even because at least I'm making some progress and I'll let the sauce sit in my counter and eventually I'll use it! I will use it! Not sure when, but I will! Some days I just can't believe just how sick I've been. 

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