Meltdowns, Lies, & Lessons

Recovery isn't always easy.  Some days you go backwards, some days you don't make any progress, some days are hard.  Some days meltdowns happy.  But some times you can learn through the meltdowns. 

Friday a friend gifted me with a gluten free donut.  I enjoyed it.  And knew that I had physical therapy later so I'd be able to run and burn most of those calories and I could eat it.  Still not the best mentality, but at least I ate it. That afternoon at therapy, I was told the Alter G was broken, which meant no running.  It broke my heart and I instantly felt guilty for eating the donut and guilted myself the rest of the session.  Before leaving I learned it was working again and I could run.  I did just that! And was able to increase the body weight I ran on.  About ten minutes in, it hurt.  I kept telling myself you have to run you ate a donut, keep running you ate a donut! I wouldn't let myself stop.  A minute or so later, I started walking with the intention of running more.  But I couldn't  I broke down. Mentally I knew I didn't need to run anymore, and I couldn't stop the tears that were coming. I knew in that moment that I still have such a long way to go.  I knew in that moment, I'm not near where I need to be.  But have tried to remind myself I'm making progress.  It won't happen overnight.  It won't happen in a few days or a month, but one day I'll get there.  

As I left, I heard Lauren Daigle's "You Say" on K-Love. It was exactly what I needed in that moment.  Every time I hear these lyrics it makes me cry.  Every time I hear them, I'm reminded to quit believing the lies, to quit living in fear, in fear that I'm not good enough, that I'm not strong enough, that I'll gain my weight back, that I won't be loved if I gain my weight back, that I can't keep this up, that I'll never get better, etc.  There are so many lies and they're grounded in fear! I have to believe, I have to gain confidence, I have to get better.  Until then it's one day at a time.  

I'll leave you with the lyrics and hope they touch you and you began to believe them like I have! 

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe







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