They say a picture is worth a thousand words

For me this picture today has brought up so many thoughts, so many questions, so many emotions and I felt it only fitting to share here, since it's all part of my journey and the recovery process.  

This picture was initially used as a progress photo, as a look how far I've come photo. Still true, still not the size of the girl on the left.  I look at the girl on the left and see someone who while she was fat, before anyone says anything, know that I was overweight.  I see someone who could eat dairy (without being sick) I miss regular ice cream, I miss being able to just enjoy food without stress, I miss enjoying treats without guilt! I miss all of that! I miss the smile. It's different. I wasn't happy with my appearance, I always felt like the fat kid and for a lot of my life I was. But it was different.

But I also see me, I see someone who lost weight, I see someone who worked so hard, who is stronger than ever before in so many ways, who loves working out, and misses it when she can't, I see someone who is happy working out. I see someone who has made so much progress! Yet, I know the pain, the frustrations, etc. that come with getting there.  Knowing that this picture was taken when people were telling me I was starting to look too small, that people told me I wasn't eating like I should and so much more. It got worse even after this picture.  I hadn't hit my "breaking point" yet. I hadn't gotten to my sickest.

I'd love to go back in time and tell me, I'm beautiful during both moments.  I'd love to tell myself I don't need to see a certain number to be happy. I love working out and enjoy the stress relief and miss running more than anything, and enjoy being healthy. But I also miss certain things and I'm aware there was a time I wasn't healthy being smaller, but I wasn't always mentally or physically sick.

It's odd how I can see two perspectives. I look at me now and while there's a part of me that hasn't changed in the "after" picture so much has still changed. I'm eating some food I haven't in a long time, I'm exercising but not overdoing it all with modifications through PT. I'm making progress, seeing things I haven't seen before, and making positive changes.

I'm thankful that a friend took the time to tell me a year ago that I was beautiful! She didn't say I needed to or should've lost weight, but didn't say I had lost too much either.  She made sure I knew or did her best to let me know (believing it is on me) that I was beautiful no matter what! I wish others did that! I'm working on believing when people tell me such things.  But until I get there, I'll be a work in progress.  I'm trying. I'm struggling, but in the end I'll get there.