Pictures & Skipping Meals

Pictures can be my worst enemy.  I don't see myself like everyone else does.  Instead, I still see myself as fat.  I still myself at the person I was before I lost almost 50 pounds.  Even then, there are people who would tell you I wasn't fat.  But in reality I was overweight according to any height and weight chart you looked at.  I look at my pictures and see a fat face.  As my sister told me, "It's just a face! Your face isn't fat!" I think it is. I don't see the person who is wearing sizes that are 4 or 5 sizes smaller than 2 years ago.  Instead, I see a "fat" face.  I see someone who looks like she's gaining her weight back.  I don't think I actually am.  I can't do scales.  Last I did cheat and look at a scale I was only about 10 pounds heavier than the lowest weight I've had.  That's water weight & being weighed in the afternoon, and being fully clothed, with my running shoes on.  So I'll take it, well kind of (there was a whole blog on that alone.)

What did I do after this? What did I do after my terrible picture taking experience. I skipped dinner! I won't lie. I didn't eat supper.  I couldn't bring myself to. Does that actually help me? No! I know that. But it doesn't make it any easier to eat some days. The next day I did a little better, but I know I didn't eat like I should. I know I shouldn't do this.  But I do. Why? I'm not better.  It takes time. It takes baby steps.  It's taking it one day and one meal at a time.

I have to look at myself and choose to see that I am beautiful.  I have to look at myself and believe what everyone else sees.  I have to look at myself and see that God doesn't make mistakes.  I have to look at myself and see that I am beautiful no matter what size I am.  Some days I can do that, other days I struggle and fall back into my old patterns.

For now I'm not focused on food as much, I'm trying to enjoy life again, but the anxiety of food still gets to me. I still worry too much about food some days whether I want to or not. I'm a work in progress and I'll get there one day.  Until then it's one meal at a time! And leaning on some friends and family to get me through the difficult days.

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