What happens when Amanda sees the scale?

I have been doing my absolute best to stay away from the scale and from my weight.  Normally at physical therapy I don't have to see my weight.  However, while getting ready to use one of the machines one of the techs let me see my weight.  They had no idea.  I saw it. In that moment I went backwards.  In that moment, I panicked.  In that moment, I wanted to cry because it isn't the number I'm used to.  It's more than I'm used to seeing.  Am I overweight? No! But I hate the number I see.  That evening it was difficult to eat.  This weekend it's been difficult to eat. Why? Because I saw my weight and I don't want that number to be the same.  It even led me to find a way to look at the scale to see what it said.  It was a different number that at therapy.  It was lower.  My attitude/mood should not depend on my weight.  That's why I broke up with the scale.  That's why I told myself I wouldn't go back to it.  Instead, I saw my weight, still wasn't happy with it.  And was in a terrible mood afterwards.  It wasn't a "terrible" number.  It wasn't a number that makes me overweight, it wasn't a number that made me too big.  It's a number I dreamed about for years.  But it isn't enough.  I have fought not to skip meals the last few days.  I have fought to forget a number.  I have fought to regain the control I had over food.  Food or numbers shouldn't control me.  But I let them again. Recovery isn't perfect, it's progress.  I skipped a meal in 3 days.  Not perfect, but not like before when I would have skipped several.  It's being mad at myself when I think I've eaten too much.  I still have a long way to go, but at least I can see the problems.  At least I am making some progress.

I can't see the scale, I can't see a number.  Instead, I must continue to focus on the progress. On eating and not being obsessed with food. Instead, I have to eat healthy. I have to eat. I have take care of me. I have to eat and not feel guilty.  I have to NOT focus on numbers. It's about being healthy, physically and mentally!

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