Amanda's doing what?!

No one said recovering from an eating disorder would be easy.  As I recover, I continue to see things and notice things that remind me that I am not better.  That I had gotten to such a deep/dark point with food and eating (not eating).  I catch myself thinking about what I eating, making sure it's clean and healthy.  That isn't the "bad" part.  That's still okay.  With my gluten and lactose issues I'll always have to watch what I eat.  But this isn't what's so bad. Focusing on vegetables, protein, and making sure I have a few carbs.  That's all okay.  Well kind of.  I do it to make sure I'm eating enough.  In time, some of that will change too.  But what's wrong is that I'm not just forcing myself to eat, it's that I'm forcing myself to eat things that I don't like, because they are healthier than what I really want.  They are the better/healthier option.  And if I'm being honest, it's also easier because I won't over eat something I hate.  As I have caught myself over the last few weeks eating things I don't like (not every meal, but usually one a day or at least several times a week), I realize I'm not doing myself any favors.  I'm not someone else.  I'm not someone who loves all vegetables or who can make a meal of just veggies.  I'm not a salad person (I never have been) and I'm not changing for a meal plan (no matter how healthy), I'm not changing for anyone else.  I have to find a way to love food again, this isn't it.  Forcing myself to feel sick because I ate something I hate isn't the answer.  Not wanting to eat because I know I'll hate my meal, isn't getting me any better.  Instead, I have to find a way to eat what I love.  Even if it means I'll work out (almost cleared) or if it means I'll limit to healthy portions. That's okay too! I want to enjoy food again! I miss it! I miss having meals I love and looked forward too. If eating out again and enjoying meals with friends has taught me anything, it's that I can still enjoy food and be healthy when I do it.  I've simply made myself eat food I ate just to follow a plan, to lose a few pounds, and to keep myself from overeating. That doesn't get me better.  That doesn't get me to a healthy place.  Instead, I'm only making things just as worse as they were.  I'm not talking about food that I just don't like or can only eat a little of.  I'm talking food that has made me gag because I hate the taste but I forced myself to swallow it.  These aren't answers. Instead these are things I have to keep working on.  These are things I hope help someone else too. I never meant to end up here. It just happened. It's hard. But I'll eventually find a balance! Until then it's one hour at a time, one meal at a time! Literally!

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