Recovery: Learning to love myself, food, & eating treats!

Sometimes the people we are with or the the things we are part of aren't always good for us. I have finally decided that if I'm going to get better I have to breakup with one of the very things that has fed and continues to feed it. Today I'm breaking up with Beachbody! For some of you this will come as a surprise, for others it is a long timing coming and you are thankful! Why am I breaking up with Beachbody? For all the reasons.  Most importantly that I developed many of my bad thoughts through them.  I was told you can't eat certain foods, they are bad for you.  I listened and cut them out, and for the very first time in a long time, after slowly breaking away I'm enjoying a few of those foods again.  Other foods, not quite yet. For those of you who don't know, I got really sick back in the spring.  I was so sick, my blood sugar registered as low on a meter for hours! This was even after I ate and checked in the appropriate two hours later! It registered ...

Pictures can be my worst enemy.  I don't see myself like everyone else does.  Instead, I still see myself as fat.  I still myself at the person I was before I lost almost 50 pounds.  Even then, there are people who would tell you I wasn't fat.  But in reality I was overweight according to any height and weight chart you looked at.  I look at my pictures and see a fat face.  As my sister told me, "It's just a face! Your face isn't fat!" I think it is. I don't see the person who is wearing sizes that are 4 or 5 sizes smaller than 2 years ago.  Instead, I see a "fat" face.  I see someone who looks like she's gaining her weight back.  I don't think I actually am.  I can't do scales.  Last I did cheat and look at a scale I was only about 10 pounds heavier than the lowest weight I've had.  That's water weight & being weighed in the afternoon, and being fully clothed, with my running shoes on.  So I'll take it, well kind...

Most people use vacation as a time to eat what they want, or to at least splurge a little bit.  Vacations also usually mean a lot of eating out! All of this is still a struggle for me.  I did give in and ate a fried Snickers at the fair.  I knew it'd hurt (all the gluten) but it was always my thing, it's always been my fair food.  And I knew I had walked around the fairgrounds and "could" eat it.  This, this thought is part of how I know I'm not there yet.  And I still felt guilty for eating it! It was delicious, but a part of me felt guilty and couldn't enjoy it.  I also ate a piece of fudge at Dollywood on Saturday. I told myself walking around is okay. Being active all week walking around made it okay.  I'm waiting on the day I don't have to justify a treat with exercise.  One day it will come.  Until then, I'll wait.   I had a week of many meals out.  I hate dining out.  I still do.  Between trying to eat healt...

I have been doing my absolute best to stay away from the scale and from my weight.  Normally at physical therapy I don't have to see my weight.  However, while getting ready to use one of the machines one of the techs let me see my weight.  They had no idea.  I saw it. In that moment I went backwards.  In that moment, I panicked.  In that moment, I wanted to cry because it isn't the number I'm used to.  It's more than I'm used to seeing.  Am I overweight? No! But I hate the number I see.  That evening it was difficult to eat.  This weekend it's been difficult to eat. Why? Because I saw my weight and I don't want that number to be the same.  It even led me to find a way to look at the scale to see what it said.  It was a different number that at therapy.  It was lower.  My attitude/mood should not depend on my weight.  That's why I broke up with the scale.  That's why I told myself I wouldn't go back to it. ...