Recovery: Learning to love myself, food, & eating treats!

Not every day will be perfect.  Not every week will be a good one. This week has been hard.  Some days I'm simply reminded that I'm not better.  That I still have a long ways to go.  Some times it's what and/or how someone says something that sends me spiraling a little backwards, other times it's how something fits, or just the thoughts that come with trying something on.  It's hard and this week has been the hardest one in awhile. But in the end, I'm still making progress.  Sometimes it's just seeing or knowing that I'm not better and crying because I know I'm not better.  Other times it's having a meal I wouldn't have had months ago.  Sometimes it's just that I'm eating again. I have restricted several foods.  Some of them because I have to! Gluten and lactose issues make certain foods impossible to eat without getting sick.  But other foods, I was told they are bad for me, I was told I shouldn't eat them. And I haven't...

  Tonight, these words spoke to my heart.  Tonight, these words impacted me more than I could have ever imagined.  I love those moments when God speaks to us specifically through His Word.   Below I'll share some of what God shared with me and I hope it helps someone else as much as it has helped me.   How do you see yourself? What do you see? Do you see the lies of the Devil? Or do you see how God looks as you? Do you see beauty? Do you see God's creation? Or do you see Satan's view? Do you see God's truth? Or Satan's lies? Do you see the truth, that you are created by God, who doesn't make mistakes? Do you see someone who is gorgeous? Do you see someone who is made in the image of God? Or do you see the ugly lies that Satan wants you to believe?  It isn't about being "fat" or "skinny."  It isn't about a number on a scale.  It's about a smile on your face, it's about being happy, it's about your soul.  ...

For me this picture today has brought up so many thoughts, so many questions, so many emotions and I felt it only fitting to share here, since it's all part of my journey and the recovery process.   This picture was initially used as a progress photo, as a look how far I've come photo. Still true, still not the size of the girl on the left.  I look at the girl on the left and see someone who while she was fat, before anyone says anything, know that I was overweight.  I see someone who could eat dairy (without being sick) I miss regular ice cream, I miss being able to just enjoy food without stress, I miss enjoying treats without guilt! I miss all of that! I miss the smile. It's different. I wasn't happy with my appearance, I always felt like the fat kid and for a lot of my life I was. But it was different. But I also see me, I see someone who lost weight, I see someone who worked so hard, who is stronger than ever before in so many ways, who loves workin...

Recovery isn't always easy.  Some days you go backwards, some days you don't make any progress, some days are hard.  Some days meltdowns happy.  But some times you can learn through the meltdowns.  Friday a friend gifted me with a gluten free donut.  I enjoyed it.  And knew that I had physical therapy later so I'd be able to run and burn most of those calories and I could eat it.  Still not the best mentality, but at least I ate it. That afternoon at therapy, I was told the Alter G was broken, which meant no running.  It broke my heart and I instantly felt guilty for eating the donut and guilted myself the rest of the session.  Before leaving I learned it was working again and I could run.  I did just that! And was able to increase the body weight I ran on.  About ten minutes in, it hurt.  I kept telling myself you have to run you ate a donut, keep running you ate a donut! I wouldn't let myself stop.  A minute or so lat...