Numbers & Fear

So it's been awhile since I've posted, but I've missed it and realized just how therapeutic it is to blog my journey. At times it's difficult to share, other times the good days are amazing! But a journey is full of highs and lows. 

Last week, I did something that I thought I was strong enough to do.  Instead, I realized just how much farther I need to go and just how much work I have to make. Last week, I made the mistake of looking at the scale.  I looked at a number, it's effected me more than I'll admit right now. But know that a lot of spiraling backwards has taken place over the last week.  Even before last week, I don't see food as something to enjoy.  Honestly, I haven't enjoyed food in a very long time.  When I look at food, I see protein, carbs, and fat. I don't see the actual food.  I don't look for what I want, I look for what I'm "allowed" to have.  This is how my brain works. 

My body doesn't know what it's like to be hungry.  I've forgotten. I have to force myself to eat.  I have to make sure that I eat. This week every time I've looked at food, I've seen a number.  One that isn't terrible, but one that isn't what I want. One that for me isn't good enough.  But no number is good enough.  

What small progress I had made, was gone just like that.  I have to work to build that backup. But one thing I know for sure, is that I cannot look at a scale. I have to stay away from it. I have to focus on me. I have to focus on making sure I eat, I have to forget a number.  I have to quit letting the number and the fear of a number define me! 

As I traveled back to Lexington last night, I listened to Francesca Battistelli's "The Breakup Song" which is all about breaking up with fear! As I heard the words, I couldn't help but think about just how much they apply to eating disorders and recovery! Fear doesn't belong! Breaking up with the scale isn't just saying goodbye to a number, it's also saying goodbye to fear! I shouldn't fear any number. I shouldn't fear food! But I do! And I'm working on breaking up with that fear so that I can enjoy food again! And I truly mean enjoy food, not only enjoying food after a really long run or a week of exercising! 

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