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Birthday Dessert

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    I felt it only fitting to add a birthday post, after all this is how it all started. My 29th Birthday came with some food struggles but also food victories! I was given the special opportunity to pick any restaurant in Lexington with an exception to eat my birthday dinner. Yet, I couldn’t. Why? Because it’s still overwhelming to eat out. Why? Because honestly, I wasn’t sure if I truly had it in me to eat my birthday dinner and dessert. I’m extremely thankful that someone near to my heart stepped in and took over the where! Because honestly I was getting nowhere. Eating that day, as much as I wanted to treat myself I knew I’d also be eating dessert and eating throughout the day leading up to dinner wasn’t the easiest. I ate. But it wasn’t the carefree food day I had hoped for.          Dinner ended up being at the perfect place. And I’m forever thankful for special people that constantly support me! See, I was encouraged to get dessert but in such a loving and supportive way. It w
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One Year Later

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One year ago today my journey was about to begin.  But I didn't know it.  A year ago today,  I was at my sickest.  See this picture. This is what the meter looked like after I had eaten worked out and eaten some more. It was this way for hours! It took at least 7 or 8 hours for this to improve to this! Even with all of this, I didn't realize I was sick.  To this day, I don't exactly know how I survived that day.  Instead, I made excuses.  I kept having to tell people I had eaten, which I had. But I kept justifying how little I had eaten.  I also kept telling people it was just because I had worked out with weights & just burnt a little more fat. No matter what everyone told me I didn't see it. It took me some time.  At least a week maybe a little longer.  But this was the day that set everything in motion.  This was also the day that I started subconsciously questioning the plan I had been following. It was the day that gave me questions, that ultimat
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Numbers & Fear

So it's been awhile since I've posted, but I've missed it and realized just how therapeutic it is to blog my journey. At times it's difficult to share, other times the good days are amazing! But a journey is full of highs and lows.  Last week, I did something that I thought I was strong enough to do.  Instead, I realized just how much farther I need to go and just how much work I have to make. Last week, I made the mistake of looking at the scale.  I looked at a number, it's effected me more than I'll admit right now. But know that a lot of spiraling backwards has taken place over the last week.  Even before last week, I don't see food as something to enjoy.  Honestly, I haven't enjoyed food in a very long time.  When I look at food, I see protein, carbs, and fat. I don't see the actual food.  I don't look for what I want, I look for what I'm "allowed" to have.  This is how my brain works.  My body doesn't know what it
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What defines you?: Truth Over Lies

As some of you know, I read Rachel Hollis's Girl, Wash Your Face.  The entire book is about overcoming the lies we tell ourselves.  Chapter 17, is entitled The Lie: I am defined by my weight, this chapter spoke more to my heart than I can properly put into words, but I'm going to do my very best.   Overall the line that I keep repeating to myself over and over after reading it is, "You need to be healthy.  You don't need to be thin." Something so simple, something so powerful, yet something that I have difficulty believing some days.  I define myself by my weight. Does everyone else? No. Should I? No.  But do I? Yes! I struggle with defining myself with my weight.  For so long I've been determined to be thin without considering the cost! The cost is far greater than I ever would have imagined! My mental health, the constant worry and fear, the stress, and even just losing my hair, and so much more.  I have a lot of hair so no one notice. I would leave gobs o
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Holidays & Travel! Amanda had what?!

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Between the holidays and being out of town, I haven't posted in a few weeks. Holidays: Thanksgiving dinner, I ate.  I hated not being able to work out like I have in years past, as I'm still recovering with my ankle.  I ate, I watched what I ate, (thanks to my gluten & lactose issues carbs were easily avoidable!).  I ate and I still ate healthy on Thanksgiving.  I did splurge and have chocolate covered peanuts my Aunt Barb made.  I enjoyed them when I ate them, as I haven't eaten them in a very long time, but there was still part of me that felt like I didn't deserve to eat them. When comparing this to last year, I worked out and ate, but I ate because I had worked out.  This year I ate without working out.  This year I had a dessert even if it wasn't pumpkin pie.  It was small and I regretted it, but I ate it.  I still ate. I enjoyed eating dinner with my cousins, sister, and niece at the "kid" table.  There were parts of it that I was able to e
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Pizza! Did I eat it all?

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Not every day will be perfect.  Not every week will be a good one. This week has been hard.  Some days I'm simply reminded that I'm not better.  That I still have a long ways to go.  Some times it's what and/or how someone says something that sends me spiraling a little backwards, other times it's how something fits, or just the thoughts that come with trying something on.  It's hard and this week has been the hardest one in awhile. But in the end, I'm still making progress.  Sometimes it's just seeing or knowing that I'm not better and crying because I know I'm not better.  Other times it's having a meal I wouldn't have had months ago.  Sometimes it's just that I'm eating again. I have restricted several foods.  Some of them because I have to! Gluten and lactose issues make certain foods impossible to eat without getting sick.  But other foods, I was told they are bad for me, I was told I shouldn't eat them. And I haven't
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What do you see?

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  Tonight, these words spoke to my heart.  Tonight, these words impacted me more than I could have ever imagined.  I love those moments when God speaks to us specifically through His Word.   Below I'll share some of what God shared with me and I hope it helps someone else as much as it has helped me.   How do you see yourself? What do you see? Do you see the lies of the Devil? Or do you see how God looks as you? Do you see beauty? Do you see God's creation? Or do you see Satan's view? Do you see God's truth? Or Satan's lies? Do you see the truth, that you are created by God, who doesn't make mistakes? Do you see someone who is gorgeous? Do you see someone who is made in the image of God? Or do you see the ugly lies that Satan wants you to believe?  It isn't about being "fat" or "skinny."  It isn't about a number on a scale.  It's about a smile on your face, it's about being happy, it's about your soul.  
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