Recovery: Learning to love myself, food, & eating treats!

For me this picture today has brought up so many thoughts, so many questions, so many emotions and I felt it only fitting to share here, since it's all part of my journey and the recovery process.   This picture was initially used as a progress photo, as a look how far I've come photo. Still true, still not the size of the girl on the left.  I look at the girl on the left and see someone who while she was fat, before anyone says anything, know that I was overweight.  I see someone who could eat dairy (without being sick) I miss regular ice cream, I miss being able to just enjoy food without stress, I miss enjoying treats without guilt! I miss all of that! I miss the smile. It's different. I wasn't happy with my appearance, I always felt like the fat kid and for a lot of my life I was. But it was different. But I also see me, I see someone who lost weight, I see someone who worked so hard, who is stronger than ever before in so many ways, who loves workin...

Recovery isn't always easy.  Some days you go backwards, some days you don't make any progress, some days are hard.  Some days meltdowns happy.  But some times you can learn through the meltdowns.  Friday a friend gifted me with a gluten free donut.  I enjoyed it.  And knew that I had physical therapy later so I'd be able to run and burn most of those calories and I could eat it.  Still not the best mentality, but at least I ate it. That afternoon at therapy, I was told the Alter G was broken, which meant no running.  It broke my heart and I instantly felt guilty for eating the donut and guilted myself the rest of the session.  Before leaving I learned it was working again and I could run.  I did just that! And was able to increase the body weight I ran on.  About ten minutes in, it hurt.  I kept telling myself you have to run you ate a donut, keep running you ate a donut! I wouldn't let myself stop.  A minute or so lat...

Sometimes the people we are with or the the things we are part of aren't always good for us. I have finally decided that if I'm going to get better I have to breakup with one of the very things that has fed and continues to feed it. Today I'm breaking up with Beachbody! For some of you this will come as a surprise, for others it is a long timing coming and you are thankful! Why am I breaking up with Beachbody? For all the reasons.  Most importantly that I developed many of my bad thoughts through them.  I was told you can't eat certain foods, they are bad for you.  I listened and cut them out, and for the very first time in a long time, after slowly breaking away I'm enjoying a few of those foods again.  Other foods, not quite yet. For those of you who don't know, I got really sick back in the spring.  I was so sick, my blood sugar registered as low on a meter for hours! This was even after I ate and checked in the appropriate two hours later! It registered ...

Pictures can be my worst enemy.  I don't see myself like everyone else does.  Instead, I still see myself as fat.  I still myself at the person I was before I lost almost 50 pounds.  Even then, there are people who would tell you I wasn't fat.  But in reality I was overweight according to any height and weight chart you looked at.  I look at my pictures and see a fat face.  As my sister told me, "It's just a face! Your face isn't fat!" I think it is. I don't see the person who is wearing sizes that are 4 or 5 sizes smaller than 2 years ago.  Instead, I see a "fat" face.  I see someone who looks like she's gaining her weight back.  I don't think I actually am.  I can't do scales.  Last I did cheat and look at a scale I was only about 10 pounds heavier than the lowest weight I've had.  That's water weight & being weighed in the afternoon, and being fully clothed, with my running shoes on.  So I'll take it, well kind...

Most people use vacation as a time to eat what they want, or to at least splurge a little bit.  Vacations also usually mean a lot of eating out! All of this is still a struggle for me.  I did give in and ate a fried Snickers at the fair.  I knew it'd hurt (all the gluten) but it was always my thing, it's always been my fair food.  And I knew I had walked around the fairgrounds and "could" eat it.  This, this thought is part of how I know I'm not there yet.  And I still felt guilty for eating it! It was delicious, but a part of me felt guilty and couldn't enjoy it.  I also ate a piece of fudge at Dollywood on Saturday. I told myself walking around is okay. Being active all week walking around made it okay.  I'm waiting on the day I don't have to justify a treat with exercise.  One day it will come.  Until then, I'll wait.   I had a week of many meals out.  I hate dining out.  I still do.  Between trying to eat healt...

I have been doing my absolute best to stay away from the scale and from my weight.  Normally at physical therapy I don't have to see my weight.  However, while getting ready to use one of the machines one of the techs let me see my weight.  They had no idea.  I saw it. In that moment I went backwards.  In that moment, I panicked.  In that moment, I wanted to cry because it isn't the number I'm used to.  It's more than I'm used to seeing.  Am I overweight? No! But I hate the number I see.  That evening it was difficult to eat.  This weekend it's been difficult to eat. Why? Because I saw my weight and I don't want that number to be the same.  It even led me to find a way to look at the scale to see what it said.  It was a different number that at therapy.  It was lower.  My attitude/mood should not depend on my weight.  That's why I broke up with the scale.  That's why I told myself I wouldn't go back to it. ...

With weight loss, with working out, with gaining muscle, it all comes with changes  These changes are seen by everyone around you.  Yet do you see them when you look in the mirror? Can you see that you're smaller? Can you see that you've gained muscle? Can you see that some fat is gone? Or do you still see the old self? Does what you see in the mirror reflect how others see you? No matter my size, I've always seen myself as larger than what others saw me.  I've always seen myself as bigger, fatter, etc. than everyone else.  Even once I lost almost 50 pounds I still see myself as bigger than anyone else sees me.  I still see myself as the "fat kid."  I still myself as needing to lose a few pounds.  I look in the mirror and hate the reflection! For me it isn't good enough.  For me I don't see all the changes for the better.  Instead I see a body that still has fat that needs to be gone.  I see someone who still isn't toned enough, who ne...